


Because I'm a Motherfucking Jedi!

by fur_claws_and_eyeballs



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, Good Peter Hale, M/M, Magic!Stiles, Magical Stiles Stilinski, Mentioned Isaac Lahey, Mentioned Lydia Martin, mentioned Derek Hale - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26563852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fur_claws_and_eyeballs/pseuds/fur_claws_and_eyeballs
Summary: “Stiles, is your bat glowing?”“Yes.”“Why is your bat glowing?”“Because I’m a motherfucking Jedi!”orMe, my boyfriend, and his unhealthy relationship with his bat.
Relationships: Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 9
Kudos: 123





	Because I'm a Motherfucking Jedi!

“Stiles... _ Stiles! _ Would you  _ please _ put the bat down before you knock yourself out with it?”

“Ye of little faith, I think I can handle a stick, thanks.”

“Is that all you can handle?”

“Low hanging fruit dude, I thought you were better than that.”

“You know me better than to assume  _ anything _ is beneath me where you are concerned.”

“Is that ‘cause you want  _ me  _ beneath you, Peter?”

“ _ Low hanging fruit, Stiles _ .”

“Fine, me and my bat are leaving. Maybe we’ll go somewhere we can be  _ appreciated _ .”

“If you give yourself a concussion with that thing, don’t call me for help.”

“You know me better than to assume I wouldn’t let myself bleed to death just to spite you.”

“Fair point.”

* * *

“I hope you have a good reason for calling me at this ungodly hour.”

“I do, but you have to promise not to get mad.”

“It’s 3 am, I am already mad.”

“Shit, okay, I-  _ no, no, no, get that out of your mouth! _ So you know how I was planning on spelling that spare bat I keep in my closet? Well, the spell was supposed to temporarily revert bitten werewolves to before the bite and-  _ ow don’t bite  _ **_me_ ** _!  _ And instead of de-wolfing Isaac, it de-aged him, and now I have an angry wolf pup rampaging through my house!  **_Help me!_ ** ”

“I am not babysitting your failed experiments, Stiles.”

“Please Peter, I’m desperate here... _watch it, you, little ankle biter!_ I’m already down two pairs of shoes, I think, fuck I think he’s _teething?_ How the hell do werewolf households survive **_teething?_** ”

“Why do you think we have so many vaults?”

“That makes sense... _ Please _ help me, I’m too busy doing damage control to find a way to reverse this and my dad gets home in a few hours. I am  _ literally  _ going to die, Peter,  **_dead_ ** ...and then no sexy times for you ever again.”

“...You owe me for this”

“ _ OhMyGodPleaseYesThankYou _ ”

  
  


* * *

“Every good sword needs a name...”

“It’s a bat.”

“Like Sting or  _ Excalibur _ .”

“ _ Literally _ sports equipment.”

“I’m gonna call her Kindness.”

“...”

“Get it? So I can kill people...with  _ Kindness? _ ”

“I’m never having sex with you ever again.”

“Aw, come oooooon, what happened to round two?”

“You have never been less sexy to me than in this moment. I’m going to bed.”

“ _ Peter _ !”

  
  


* * *

“You treat that bat better than you treat me.”

“ _ You’re _ the other woman in this scenario, not my bat.”

“This is a loveless marriage and I want a divorce.”

“You have to marry me  _ first _ , asshole.”

“Fine, let’s get married so I can divorce you.”

“I’m taking you for half of everything and I want Derek on weekends and holidays.”

“Leave me the apartment and you can have full custody.”

“I am  _ right _ here, guys.”

“Deal.”

  
  


* * *

> ***Lydia to ‘** **_Self-Preserving Pack Members_ ** **’ group chat* :** “Stiles made a bat out of Rowan in woodshop and is on his way to the loft to find someone to test it on. I suggest you all make yourselves scarce. 
> 
> ***Peter to ‘** **_Self Preserving Pack Members_ ** **’ group chat* :** “I wish you could have seen the chaos you just wrought.”
> 
> ***Lydia to ‘** **_Self-Preserving Pack Members_ ** **’ group chat* :** “Did they scatter?”
> 
> ***Peter to ‘** **_Self Preserving Pack Members_ ** **’ group chat* :** “Like cockroaches. I’m pretty sure punches were thrown to get to the door.” 

  
  


“Hey guys, you’re never gonna guess what I made in woodshop to- whoa, where is everyone?”

“Looking for your unwitting test subjects, Stiles?”

“Not unwitting, I was gonna warn them before I hit them.”

“Were you going to tell them that you made it out of Mountain Ash first?”

“... _ Maybe _ . Who tattled? Lydia?”

“Yes, she let the pack know that you would be on your way.”

“I  _ knew _ you guys had a group chat without me.”

“Like you don’t have a group chat for just you and the girls.”

“I’ll have you know that we’d be dead a hundred times over without that chat.”

“I don’t doubt it, the girls were always the capable ones.”

“Anyway, since you’re still here…”

“I am not letting you hit me with your bat.”

“Come  _ on... _ It’s for  _ science! _ ”

“Mountain Ash. Blunt object. Werewolf. Pain. There is no new information to gain by mauling your packmates.”

“No, but it would be satisfying.”

“While I do enjoy your bloodlust, perhaps I can persuade you with something more satisfying for both of us?”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well, it does seem that we have the loft all to ourselves.”

“You can distract me with sexy times all you want, but I  _ am  _ going to hit someone with this bat.”

“Oh, I have no doubt. Now put the sports equipment away and come here, darling.”

  
  
  


* * *

“Stiles, is your bat glowing?”

“Yes.”

“Why is your bat glowing?”

“Because I’m a  _ motherfucking Jedi! _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally just Peter/Stiles banter because these two are always snarking in the back of my head. Also, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't almost certainly going to update this in the future.
> 
> You are MORE than welcome to use any of these snippets in your own work, be it inspiration, word for word insertion, whatever. I'm never really going to do anything with them, so if you like them and want to bounce some creativity out of them, have at it. Just leave me a comment so I can see what you do!


End file.
